Variations on a Dream


   */RonGasparri\* Speaks/*

If ever there was a man who has done so much and yet not enough, it would be   */RonGasparri\*. While many others would be happy to just rest themselves on their past accomplishments, Ron would say he has barely just begun – only because so much still remains unfinished.

During the years of the first Gulf War, it quickly became apparent to Ron’s superiors that he was no ordinary jarhead. He was quickly (and appropriately) inducted into the world of military intelligence and soon after began his association with the various lodges and fraternal orders — this did , of course, provide certain advantages for him professionally. Within a few short years, Ron found himself wearing the apron of a 32° Scottish Rite Freemason.

He has also been awarded various, respected positions in other fraternal groups and lodges including being:

– Elected Monarch of the Effendi Grotto
– Knighted by Knights of Pythias
– Knighted by Priory of Knights Templar

After all this, Ron’s true passion for the mysterious and occult dominated any other desire (other than being a good father), and he dove into the somewhat obscure arenas of Enochian and Ogdoadic Magicks. Eastern Indian and Tibetan practices and disciplines have also found a home in Ron’s life.

 

He now continues his path by stepping up and sharing a small piece of himself with us today.

___________________

 Variations on a Dream

My heart is racing, the sweat runs down my face and the fear I feel inside is overwhelming. They are coming for me. They’re going to find me and I am going to go to some god-forbidden jail or receive some type of sadistic punishment that enslaves my mind and arrests my development. I need to keep moving and I do. Lockers line both sides of the hallways. The breaks between the rows of lockers are filled with doors that lead to classrooms of various sizes. Some are exits, and I need an exit… now. Past another row, another door, and then a backlit exit-sign appears, but I instinctively know that this door leads to the auditorium.

I have no time to second-guess myself—I see that the two plain clothed security personnel are gaining on me. This time, one of the teachers is with them and he knows exactly who I am. He’s the one that discovered my true age and identity. He has to be the one; he was one of my teachers when I was here the first time. In the door I go, and—what the fuck is this? It’s a slide, an inflatable slide that leads right out to the front of the building. It looks like a huge version of those emergency slides that are used by aircraft after they make emergency landings, except this one is really wide, sectioned into ten or so rows and it’s black with white stitching. This doesn’t seem normal, but it is something I must navigate if I am to save my life and be free again.

Now, I just need to get to the top of the slide, slide down it, and freedom shall be mine. I run down the center row, between two large areas of movie-theater style chairs aimed at the stage, arranged in the typical descending fashion. If this weren’t a high school auditorium, it would be a very posh theater. There are about five stairs that flank both sides of the stage and just as I decide to go up the left side’s stairs, I hear the doors open behind and above me—they enter and yell “Stop!” Yeah, right. Why would I stop for someone who doesn’t have my best interests in mind? Why would I listen to any other man, anyway? I run to the very top of the immense slide, throw my books down first (I don’t want them to slow my descent) and down I go. It feels like the “Moon Room” inflatable amusement area those neighborhood churches and social organizations would set-up during fund raising events. I’m down, and quickly out of the building.

Why do I not feel free? Where is that sense of relief I expected? Why am I not elated? I see a yellow school bus pull up just in front of the gymnasium complex, and I notice that my friends are getting on, well, the guys, anyway and they are all dressed in their football uniforms. A rear bus window opens and a close friend yells, “Ron. Come on, Man. You’re gonna be late!” I am going to be late and I may very well miss the game, too. In fact, now that the administrators know who I am, I may never get to finish the football season. Now there are two things I will not finish and the feeling of doom overwhelms me, but I have to try.

As I run along the sidewalk, the bus pulls away from the entrance and as I take another fast stride, I find myself between two parallel bars, both are greased beyond belief and there is nothing beneath me. I have no idea where or why this obstacle appeared before me, but it did and now the real fear sets-in. Whoever did this to me knows that ever since the fall, I have had a paralyzing fear of heights and of falling again. I navigate the parallel bars and jump off them, back on to the sidewalk. I realize that these bars had replaced a bridge that used to be located in the same area. The bus is only about a half of a city block ahead of me and I have to get on it.

Suddenly, I awaken to the sound of the night and the sound that my sweat makes when it rolls down the side of my head.

__________________

There are turning points in everyone’s lives. There are major decisions that we make when we are too young to know anything about future repercussions, both personal and intra-personal. I made a decision when I was sixteen and that decision has affected every facet of my life since. Some say that it has all worked out well and that things just took a little longer to “gel” for me because of it. Bullshit. I know the truth. That decision still haunts me to this day and impacts me still. Nothing has worked out the way I wanted things to work out because of this decision. Sure, there is an element of shame, of guilt, but the real feelings underlying that fateful decision are regret and anger. I regret dropping out of high school to join the Marine Corps. I am angry that nobody tried to talk to me about the unlimited field of other options that were accessible and tangible. The excuse I heard was, “We could have told you nothing that would have changed your mind,” but I know that’s a bunch of crap.

Over time, I have come to terms with myself and this decision, but apparently not completely. Over time, I have forgiven myself and have been able to allow myself to be proud of being a Marine, but maybe that’s bullshit too. All combat Marines live with a burden unlike any other and we generally don’t do well once we’re outside the Marine Corps environment. Had I not panicked back then when my girlfriend informed me that she was pregnant, I would have been on the road I am on now, only ten years ago, and that means more than you can imagine. The reasons are selfish ones and I get that, too. All I needed and wanted was someone to tell me that waiting 24 hours before making a major decision really is OK, that answers sometimes don’t come immediately, and that impulsive action works only about 10% of the time.

So, tonight when I sleep again, I wonder if the “High School Principal” of my former high school will try to find out why, at my age and with my college degrees, I am still trying to pass myself off as a high school student (and trying to get a diploma I obviously don’t need). I wonder if I will ever catch the school bus that used to drive the football team to its games and get to play another varsity year of high school football again. I wonder if having graduated high school means as much to my former classmates as it would have meant to me. I wonder if, when I make my next major decision in life, I will allow myself 24 hours to think: just to make sure I have explored other options. I do know one thing: I was too young to make such an important decision as to drop out of high school so I could provide for my child. This was a decision made too fast.

You can learn more about Ron and yourself in the following places:

MSI – Modern Scientific Illuminism

MSI Facebook

 

 

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4 Responses to “Variations on a Dream”

  1. Paul T Says:

    Imagine the possibilities if you had 10 years headstart!
    You are a guiding light for many Ron!

    Sure you already knew that bro!

  2. Ron G. Says:

    Thank you, Paul T. for those kind words and observations. I look forward to the next ten and maybe, just maybe, that nightmare never returns. Thanks again!

    This “assignment,” though voluntary and completed with pleasure, was actually quite therapeutic. For that, I have to thank Pete, so thanks, Pete!

  3. Soror OAC Says:

    Magnificent!! I am at your feet!..;p

    • Pete Madstone Says:

      Oooofff. Do you foolow the blog Modern Scientific Illuminism on Blogger or Facebook? Ron is the OG of that one. Check it out if you don’t know it!

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